I’m trying to be open, to be allowing, to be more about showing up experientially instead of intellectually or emotionally. Receiving and responding rather than judging and reacting.
I want to have tessellating, radiating thoughts that fill the world around me with joy, not add to despair. I think this is who I’m supposed to be. The essential me.
How’s that working for me? well? Ups and downs. Lots of days become hard; I get ground down into my past, longing for the ‘comfort’ of the way things were… I focus on experiences already spent; last year’s harvest; historical data… I keep dragging my past into the present moment, perpetuating my personal groundhog day of fear and disconnection. Wtf.
I flat-line; I rot in the stagnant waters of same old same old, I see that I am dying for something new, something real, some experience of being alive, addicted to the habits of my daily life, repeating the same choices, insanely hoping that something really BIG will grab me from the outside and make all the difference…
I ask myself, why I limit my potential, close off new possibilities, keep the magic at bay? I intellectually know better. But what is here, now, is far more subtle than intellect, here I am approaching the Soul. I don’t fully grasp my true creative super power, which is my being itself, me, being present, allows an opening between past and future – the stage upon which the Quantum Music of Life can flow into my divinely individualized consciousness.
I hold the tension between the past and future – I be in the only place I can ever be, here; now. The present moment, my precise location in space/time, the only space or time in which I can ever be located. I get this and I don’t get it. Cognitive dissonance… I know that this is a belief worth having, and I know the the cost is all my old beliefs. And they’re having a bit of a fuss to say the least. So there’s that.
This is what I’m working on. Not art per se, or classes or shows, but expansion of my consciousness. Getting my head wrapped around an understanding; a realization that is so gorgeously, deliciously, tantalizingly brand spanking new to me. This is the Source of those tessellating radiating energies. As old as the ancient of days, but so new to me in the sense that I resonate with it in a way that I never have before. Experientially.
and that’s new.
and that’s exciting.
That shit makes me want to get up in the morning… excited and ready for what will show up. That’s looking forward, not being in the future. That’s being fully grounded here; now, IN MY BODY. I know IT happens in the bodytemple of my localized consciousness. My feet on the ground, participating in my life, working on being present, fully participating in my life.
I want to experience the extraordinary, so I must become open to the extraordinary. I must be present to this moment, willing to expand beyond all that I am and welcome the unknown as the beautiful, mysterious lover who gathers me with wide arms full of comfort and receives my open breaking heart in exchange for the security of grace.
The willingness to experience grace, is the willingness to embrace the unknown, the willingness to create space for the radiance of pure potential to surge thru us with all the unicorn radiant beauty and exuberance of a newly formed universe. This is the power that longs to dance with us. The power of creation. Expression. What will my experience be when I am fully open to this way of experiencing belonging? idk. That’s what makes it scary AND exciting…idk. Yet setting my sails into the wind.
janet balboa 
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