janet balboa

I have a friend, Freddy, who always says ‘be a leader- not a follower.’ It’s what he says to people every time he parts company. He’s said this for years. He said it again the other night. This time, it triggered something deep- an awareness that has been creeping up on me. I didn’t realize fully that I had even been considering or mulling over anything in particular. My life has seemed pretty business as usual lately. Yet when he said this, my inner voice immediately blurted out ‘Be a Finder. Not a seeker.’

The next day, I sat with this comment and it occurred to me that I had indeed become a finder. That this had been dawning on me for years, and had now overtaken me and somehow, subtly, become me.

There was no denying it. For instance, my recent experience of looking at the self-help section and realizing: ‘Geez, kiddo, you’re beyond help.’ –  and being ok with that. No panic, not even a tremor of guilt. I have the recognition, the understanding that being beyond help is exactly, precisely where I should be.

or – when reading the words of the Hopi Elders- ‘we are the ones we’ve been waiting for’-  there is a resonance, a conviction, a relatively recent  ‘yes’ that comes to mind, a furthering of my commitment to do what I came here to do (whatever that is – and the excitement of discovering it.)

What did I find? What was that elusive thing I have been searching for? I think you know, because you have been searching as well. Wondering what the hell you are here for. What your purpose is. What you are supposed to be doing.

Who you are, who you have chosen to be – (we have chosen, again and again, thru the billions of small, seemingly insignificant decisions we make every moment of every day for years) – all these decisions have added up, accumulated, coalesced, and transformed themselves into you. This being that is here right now. You are alive, aware, and able to reflect on yourself and your world- a conscious being.

This is the destination.

This is where you get off the pot. Get out of the canoe. Get on with it. Once you realize this, there is no more.

You are it.

You have arrived. In style I might add. With all the bells and whistles. You are the latest, the-on-the-cutting-edge model of one of the most incredible, intelligent, conscious lifeforms on this planet. YOU are the one we’ve been waiting for. (And me, and everyone else on this planet.) So…when do we start acting like it? When do we make an entrance? When do we step onto the cosmic red carpet and take our bow? When do we strut our stuff?

Now. This magical moment when eternity reaches out to us; connecting intention with fulfillment; where awareness becomes presence and our life is suddenly full of possibilities. Our ‘to-do’ list becomes a flow chart – subtly tracking us as we find ourselves in the lead role of the adventure of our life.  Can you see it this way? Can we begin to engage with our life as a flow of energy that has been given to us? Can our ‘to-do’ list begin to accurately reflect who-we-are? Who we are becoming – with every conscious (and unconscious) decision we make.

You are what you were looking for. Not something out there. This recognition that the most intimate, lovely, beautiful relationship possible is right…here. Right now.

This adventure will take our entire lifetime. We will never stop growing, expanding, learning, reaching, exploring – I suspect life and energy continues this marvelous dance even beyond our beautiful world of form.

What do you do when you find something you’ve been looking for? For me, I sat in complete awe and wonder for a good long time. I looked this thing over from all angles. I was grateful, amazed, profoundly astonished. I cried. I was completely floored. But then I thought, by God, I’d better use this thing – better start getting used to it. Better start living it. It’s a big world out there and I want to find myself in it.

Tags: adventure, decision making, finder, hopi elders, self discovery